


Life of the Super Smash Brothers!

by doinggodswork



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Nobody is sane, One Shot, on crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29644290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doinggodswork/pseuds/doinggodswork
Summary: What crazy shenanigans are the smashers up to today? How many times are people going to faint of nose bleeding? Find out in this amazing smash brothers story!
Kudos: 2





	Life of the Super Smash Brothers!

It was a beautiful day in the world of smash brothers! Sephiroth was making the 210238457237465239865239th Aerith is dead joke, Bayonetta was stripping in front of the kids, and Kirby was eating everyone and everything he saw. 

In other words, it was a normal day in smash! The smashers were having lunch in the cafeteria of the Smash Mansion when suddenly, the door burst open! Mario stepped inside. Peach shrieked and fangirled. Mario blew her a kiss and she fainted! 

Rosalina looked down at her and scoffed. “Pathetic.” 

“Everybody-a look-a at-a me-a!” Mario proclaimed. 

“Oi! Sorewa boku no serifu da!” (“Hey! That’s my line!”) Marth screamed in Japanese like the absolute senpai he is. 

“In English, prick!” Snake yelled back. All the girls booed him because they all had a crush on Marth. Except Lucina, because that’s incest lmao. But she might have had the biggest crush out of all the women there, she just didn’t want to admit it, especially because her father was there with her. Tee hee! 

“Eigo wo hanasenai hito mo irun da yo!” (“There are people who can’t speak English!”) Cloud said, causing the female smashers to nosebleed and faint of blood loss. Except Rosalina. “You’re all pathetic.” She said elegantly. 

“Why are they all so thirsty?” Snake rolled his eyes. Just then, Samus came in, wearing her two-piece from metroid fusion. Snake instantly got a nosebleed and fainted of blood loss. 

Captain Falcon laughed. “Ha ha ha” 

Mario was pissed that everyone was ignoring him. He grabbed a gun and pointed it at Lucas, saying, “If-a you-a don’t-a listen, imma blow-a his-a head off!” 

Nobody cared. 

“he‘s gonna be with his mommy” Sephiroth laughed. 

Mario, being the attention-seeking fat plumber he is, burst into a ball of flame. He hovered in the air, yelling “OMAE WA MOU SHINDEIRU” 

“NANI?!?!” Cloud and Marth said in unison. The female smashers who had just begun to come to fainted of blood loss once again. 

“I-a have-a news-a!” Mario yelled. “We-a have-a new-a fighters-a joining us-a” 

“More anime swordfighters?!” Snake scoffed, rising from his faint. 

“Well-a yes-a and-a no.” Mario whimpered like a dog, “Anime, yes. Swordfighters? Kinda. They-a are-a literally the swords-a.” 

“OH YES MY WAIFUS PYRA AND MYTHRA ARE IN SMASH, FINALLY I CAN SEE THEM IN PERSON INSTEAD OF SNUGGLING WITH MY BODY PILLOWS OF THEM EVERY NIGHT!” Shulk yelled before he could stop himself. Everybody turned to him. 

“Lady Palutena, I found a sinner!” Pit yelled. Palutena glowed like a lantern and raised her staff. 

“I shall damn you to hell!” She sent a gigantic laser beam at Shulk, who jumped out of the way. The beam hit the ice climbers instead. They fell onto Ness, who was elated at this close form of human contact. 

Blushing profusely, he said, “Okey, can you kiss me, senpai?” 

Everybody gasped! 

“THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY!” Palutena yelled. Simon and Richter cheered, holding Bibles and holy water like rafiki held simba in the beginning of lion king. 

But Popo leaned over and kissed Ness passionately on the lips. Nana followed suit. 

“We have a new threesome!” Zelda exclaimed happily. She always wished she was part of a threesome with Link and Sahasrala. Even though he was old. She liked old men. 

Palutena was livid. “I can’t stop them on my own, my lord, I need your assistance!” 

‘What?!” Pit asked. “You have a lord above you, Lady palutena?!” 

Suddenly, a summoning circle appeared on the floor. A yellow bee rose from it as Palutena chanted “ya like jazz” repeatedly. 

“Holy banana cakes!” Inkling yelled, “It’s Barry B Benson!” 

“Barry B what now?” Chrom questioned like the absolute idiot he is. 

“Barry B Benson, the most famous bee in the history of bees!” Little Mac gushed. “I want to get his autograph!” 

“You summoned me, Palutena?” Barry B Benson boomed. 70% of the roster got a nosebleed and fainted of blood loss. 

“Yes my lord.” Palutena bowed. “These people have been sinful, I need you to cast your holy light on them.” 

‘Ah, I understand.” Barry said. Flames flew out from his mouth and burned all the smashers. They screamed in agony for a few moments, then dropped to the floor unconscious. Except Rosalina, who scoffed. “Pathetic.” 

20 hours later, everybody woke up. By then, Rosalina had worked out, told the Lumas 10 stories, ate everything in the kitchen, and binged Attack on Titan. 

“Pathetic.” 

The smashers were all very confused. But Palutena fell onto her knees and sobbed uncontrollably, saying, “he has done it! The lord Barry has blessed us!” 

“What happened?” Shulk murmured. He couldn’t recall anything about his waifus! 

Bayonetta woke up ultra-censored, with long robes covering every inch of her body. Samus was stuck in her power suit for life. She didn’t mind that. Everybody who had anything remotely dirty in their minds had that stuff removed. 

“The lord himself has cleansed this mansion free of sin!” Palutena cried. 

But suddenly, the mansion shook violently! A tall and handsome man burst into the room through the windows, riding on a broomstick. His soft, silky hair swayed in the wind as he bit his lip seductively. All the female smashers fainted of blood loss. Except Rosalina. You know the drill by now. 

The man landed on the floor. “Hello!” He said, “Remember me?” 

Nobody remembered him. 

He sighed elegantly. “Oh, but I am the most powerful smasher in existence! My name is Garry Selfinsert!” 

All the smashers gasped.

“THE garry selfinsert?!?!” Link yelled, because somehow he can talk now, “ You mean the most famous dragon-slayer in Hyrule!” 

“Uh, no, I think he’s the best pilot in the galaxy.” Fox corrected. 

“I’ve heard something about him being one of the most renowned bounty hunters though.” Samus frowned. 

“Wait, but his name is in history books in our world!” Byleth added, “he was the legendary warrior who first used the fire emblem!” 

“Sore Anri janai noka?” (“Isn’t that Anri?”) Marth asked, because he is the only sane one and the only one who knows his fire emblem lore. 

Corrin laughed. “No, silly, that’s all government propaganda. It’s what they want you to believe. Garry Selfinsert was the true hero!” 

“But how can he exist in so many universes simultaneously?” Samus asked. 

“Maybe he has many twins” Pit suggested 

Garry Selfinsert laughed. “No, my powers and battles are so legendary that they transcend the different worlds!” 

The smashers were all in awe at this raw power. Even Wario admitted defeat. 

“What is such a powerful being doing here?” Roy asked. 

“Well, I came to meet all of you because i know that i am a huge inspiration to everyone here!” garry said. 

“You’re not very humble, are you?” Bayonetta smirked. She instantly got mauled by Garry’s fans (aka everyone, except Rosalina of course) 

“Hahaha! Bayonetta! You are as entertaining as you are beautiful!” Garry said with a wink. The fangirls squealed because he was very hot and got all the ladies. Wink wink date me pls. 

Most of the smashers ran over to Garry and hugged him. He was very happy and smiled. His fans fainted of the hot-ness. Everybody loved Garry, and within 2 weeks, he was the most popular guy in smash, surpassing Marth and Cloud, which made them very salty. Saltier than the dead sea. Everybody sucked up to him and brown-nosed him harder than the communist party members brownnose xi jinping. Even Samus, who was usually apathetic to crazes like these, seemed interested. Which was a great thing for Garry, because Samus was his favourite character and no.1 on his “to make out with” list, even though he hadn’t played any metroid games ever before and was only a smash samus fan. He was one of those people that treated Samus with her suit and Samus without her suit as different entities even outside Smash. If you do that, please stop. Samus is Samus. You don’t see us calling her stuff like “Fusion Suit Samus” or “Light Suit Samus”. But anyway. 

That night, Samus had asked Garry to talk to her in private. OOH interesting. 

“Hey Samus, what’s up?” 

Samus frowned at him. “What’s your deal?” 

“What do you mean?” 

Just then, Palutena leapt out from the shadows. “You have caught the sinner!” 

Garry tried to run, but Samus fired a missile at the door as a warning. “Don’t even try it.” 

Palutena closed her eyes. Gusts of wind blew from seemingly nowhere. A golden aura surrounded her as something rose from under her feet. It was a green ogre, none other than- 

‘Lord Shrek!” 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?” 

Garry tumbled under Samus’ bed, trembling in fear. “No… not Shrek…” 

“There is a sinful, sinful man, my lord.” Palutena said. “He is a self-insert!” 

Shrek gasped. “No! Self-inserts, the evil above Satan himself! Don’t worry, my child, I shall banish him to the underworld.” 

A rainbow-coloured beam burst out from Shrek’s mouth and covered the entire room. Garry screamed and instantly turned into a pillar of salt. 

“Wow, that’s enough salt for the entire smash fandom.” Samus remarked. 

“Oh, but the rest of you are sinful as well.” Shrek sighed maly-ly. 

Palutena gasped. “Lord Shrek, are you saying…”

“Yes, my child Palutena.” Shrek nodded. “It is for the greater good.” 

Palutena nodded reluctantly and bowed. “Yes, my lord.” 

Shrek breathed in, then spewed out the rainbow beam from his mouth, nose and ears. The beam engulfed the whole mansion. 

All the smashers screamed in agony and fell to the floor, unconscious. 

Except Rosalina. 

“Pathetic.”

**Author's Note:**

> this was something I randomly did in 1 day, I have no idea what this is


End file.
